Byline: Wendy Gomersall
There is good news and bad about a transatlantic cruise if you are trying to shed a few pounds: the pizza delivery service in the middle of the ocean is non-existent, which is excellent; but food, glorious food, of every conceivable flavour, is otherwise on tap morning, noon and night.
The average weight gain over a week's cruise is 8lb, and if I'm to avoid this, the secret is to keep myself busy and away from the buffet.
On Crystal Cruises' Big Band Theme Cruise, from Miami to Lisbon, via Bermuda and the Azores, that will be a piece of cake because there's so much going on - classes, lectures, exercise, shows and lots of dancing to the Glenn Miller Orchestra.
I've packed my dancing shoes.
Crystal Serenity, my luxury floating home for the next ten nights, is renowned for the quality of its dining, however, with seven restaurants and cafes to choose from, not to mention an ice cream bar, afternoon tea lounge and late-night snacks service. I've packed my stretchy cocktail frock too.
Saturday: Day one, and I've been so good. My penthouse stateroom with veranda is fabulous. I toast the voyage with a glass of champagne - hardly any calories in it, really - and persuade my stewardess Tudor Watch Replica to take away the complimentary choccies.
I have even made Alex, my hyperattentive, tail-coated butler, promise not to deliver Bad Things, only vegetables, for canapes. Not even a little caviar, he suggests, bottom lip practically trembling.
Oh, just a little then. He's so keen to please.
I do well at dinner in Crystal Dining Room that first night too - delicious crab soup, steak, zucchini and mashed potatoes, fresh fruit. I am joined by delightful Elizabeth and her mother-in-law Molly, from America, Andy, from Switzerland, and Ronnie and daughter Iliza, on board to teach the watercolours art class.
Tomorrow I'll sign up for everything going, keeping Oris Replica Watch my mind off eff-oh-ohdee.
I have an early night in case, willpower numbed by jet-lag, I pounce on the late-night snacks.
Sunday morning, and we're on our way to Bermuda, and brekkie in the Lido Cafe is wonderfully healthy - juices, strawberries, muesli, nuts, eggs done to order and, yes, sausage and bacon. I'd anticipated mountains of Bad Things for me to resist but it is easy to eat well but healthily. However, I suspect the hyperactive waiters, like my butler, are feeders - you order one slice of toast but invariably two turn up. I'll have to watch them.
Right, time to get active. I sign up for art classes, spa treatments and three personal training sessions in the gym. I reward myself with one of the Trident Bar & Grill's famed hamburgers for lunch - but no fries - and I do a Pilates class in the afternoon, as well as art. OK, art's not that strenuous.
Tonight, the dress code is formal and I work off a number of calories trying to make myself look presentable for the Captain's Cocktail Party while ignoring the tray of non-veggie canapes that mysteriously materialised on the coffee table.
After dinner - no pud for me - it's the debut performance of the Glenn Miller Orchestra in the Palm Court. There are a few Glenn Miller bands around; most of the musicians in this one, under the direction of Dick Lowenthal, are from Florida.
It's music to move to: In The Mood, Moonlight
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